Monday, March 28, 2011

Dark Before the Morning

As some of you know, I've been going to counseling since the end of January. It's been a difficult process at times with many emotions, highs and lows. I am grateful for what I have been able to work through and verbalize in a vulnerable way. It has truly been humbling. At the heart of it all is that I want what I don't have and I am not who I want to be. When I think of the conversations I've had with my counselor and her wise words, it all comes back to this process of sanctification and change...and God's timing in my life. Even in the midst of what I feel in my longings, pain, darkness, I know that I am not alone and that there is joy and peace to be claimed. I know that there is joy in each day and I need to intentionally look for it. I can find gratitude in my heart even when I am discouraged. When I feel darkness, I will shine light. And with each new day there are blessings and reasons to celebrate. I continue to trust and wait in hope that God's plan for me is still unraveling. And each night as I fall asleep either through tears or with calm content, I know this is just the dark before the morning.

Before the Morning Lyrics Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you, where is he now?

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending

Some day, somehow you'll see

Would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing?

Cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you have to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good the fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling is just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there, so say a prayer

And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God

Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing?

Once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Cause the pain you've been feeling is just the hurt before the morning, just the dark before the morning

Sunday, March 6, 2011

German Musings

I have been back from my trip to Germany for 2 weeks. It has been harder for me to reacclamate myself to life here than it was adjusting to the time change or the cultural differences I experienced during my 9 days there. I have been reflecting on my trip and am so very thankful for the opportunity I had to go. Some of my favorite things on my trip include reconnecting and spending time with the Foxes, conversations about life with Carol, meeting a young enlisted Air Force member who is going home to Alabama to give a kidney to his sick mom, playing basketball with Nathan, and hearing Carol speak at a MOPS event for Air Force wives.

Is it weird that what I loved most about my time there could have happened anywhere? It wasn't Germany itself, although it is a beautiful country with rich history. It was the relationships and the time spent together that meant the most to me. That is a powerful reminder to me that it's not where you are, but who you are with that matters most. I know it's cliche, but it's living truth.

As I am considering options for a new job or moving to a new place, this hit me hard. I don't want to run away from where I am and leave behind all the people I love. The feelings of being alone and desiring companionship that I feel now may only be augmented if I go somewhere new where I don't know anyone at all. I will still be with me wherever I go, chock-full of my insecurities, pride, fears, doubts, and desires. Life on base at Spangdahlem struck me as very isolated and dim. It was the dead of winter of course, so that's part of it. But the idea I had in my mind was much more glamorized than what it was in reality.

There's much to consider in looking for this change I am seeking. And as much as I feel like I want a change in environment, the change needs to be from the inside out. With expectatation (and some trembling) I am excitedly anticipating what's around the bend after this school year. Whether it be that I bloom where I'm planted or I am uprooted and find myself somewhere new, I know that God is with me wherever I go. And in that I am secure.