Sunday, January 30, 2011
Part of my unrest is about my job. I don't know if I want to return to ICS in the fall, continue teaching, move somewhere new, or just change jobs within the DC area. I have been exploring different options and I applied for a job with International Justice Mission. To my disappointment I got the rejection letter via email from IJM this week. I knew it was a long shot, but I was really excited about the opportunity. Even still, I feel very led and passionate to explore more of the organization's outreach. As I reflected over the week about why God closed this door I didn't really come up with any answers. But since they didn't want me for this job, I realized I can volunteer with them (big light-bulb moment, I know). So I looked at their volunteer opportunities and put in my volunteer application for the Hands-On Justice Team that does administrative tasks about once a month for three hours on a Wednesday night. A step in the right direction. Change in my life that will hopefully impact someone else's for good.
Even in this trite example, I can see that perhaps God is guiding me in the direction of change but not necessarily how I thought it would be. I want a job with IJM, but maybe He wants me to volunteer my time with IJM. I wish I could snap my fingers and be where I want to be, but over and over (because I obviously don't get in the first few times) I am reminded that where I want to be may not be where God intends me to be and what I want to do may not be His best plan for me.
Through the tears and wailing, I am that wet baby crying out for change. God is not ignoring me, he is answering my cries in His time and in His way. I have to continue to trust and hold onto the promises I know to be true. Proclaiming God's love in the morning and His faithfulness at night (Psalm 92:2), I have made my desires known to Him and He will lead me. And my God will continue to love me even when I'm acting like a baby.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I've been thinking a lot lately of all that I'd like to try or accomplish in life. I find myself at a point where I'm restless, not sure which direction to take...or if there's even a path leading away from where I am now. If you'd asked my 10 years ago...even 5 years ago where I thought I'd be at age 28 it's not where I am. No where close. So, even though I cling to the hopes and dreams I've had for my life, it's time to dream a new dream for now.
My wise and caring dad suggested to me that I take some time to muse and think big about what I'd like to do in my life. Not necessarily things that I need to accomplish this year, but both short-term and long-term goals, and to also include things that seem completely out of the box. As I've been letting myself dream and imagine, here are some of the ideas I've come up with:
- Travel more and often
- Teach overseas
- Work for a non-profit
- Audition for a community theater production (sing/act)
- Take an art class
- Learn photography
- Garden- flowers, fruits, vegetables
- Own a small paper goods company
- Marry my best friend
- Have and adopt children, raise a loving family
- Start and continue meaningful traditions with family and friends
- Be a loyal friend, a faithful wife, and a compassionate neighbor
This list is not complete. As C.S. Lewis (love him!) said, "You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream." I hope that I will continue to live and dream, knowing that there is so much to experience in this life.
At no point do I want to feel stuck, or as though I'm hanging out in the visitor's center instead of climbing the mountain, as Gary Haugen describes it in his book, Just Courage. I want to experience life on this earth to the fullest...be stretched and take risks, knowing full well that I can't do it all on my own. To live in the safe and comfortable and easy is just that. But what joy and adventure can be had if I stay in the visitor's center? So, it's time to dream new dreams and not be boxed in by the ordinary or expected.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Yes. I am under construction. I am so thankful that I'm not who I am supposed to be yet because I am broken, selfish, impatient, and prideful.
But I'm a change in the making. I can feel, very acutely and in a very real way, God pruning me and growing me to be who He wants me to be. It's a process that has been in the works and continues. It's painful, but there is beauty in the breakdown.
2010 has come to an end, and 2011 has just crossed the threshold into our lives. I don't know what's in store for this year, but I do know that there is hope in redemption and that God is good. He's not finished with me yet.