Dark Before the Morning

As some of you know, I've been going to counseling since the end of January. It's been a difficult process at times with many emotions, highs and lows. I am grateful for what I have been able to work through and verbalize in a vulnerable way. It has truly been humbling. At the heart of it all is that I want what I don't have and I am not who I want to be. When I think of the conversations I've had with my counselor and her wise words, it all comes back to this process of sanctification and change...and God's timing in my life. Even in the midst of what I feel in my longings, pain, darkness, I know that I am not alone and that there is joy and peace to be claimed. I know that there is joy in each day and I need to intentionally look for it. I can find gratitude in my heart even when I am discouraged. When I feel darkness, I will shine light. And with each new day there are blessings and reasons to celebrate. I continue to trust and wait in hope that God's plan for me is still unraveling. And each night as I fall asleep either through tears or with calm content, I know this is just the dark before the morning.

Before the Morning Lyrics Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you, where is he now?

Maybe there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending

Some day, somehow you'll see

Would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing?

Cause the pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you have to wait for the light

Press on, just fight the good the fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling is just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends and you know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there, so say a prayer

And hold on, cause there's good for those who love God

Life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing?

Once you feel the way of glory, all your pain will fade to memory

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

Cause the pain you've been feeling is just the hurt before the morning, just the dark before the morning

German Musings

I have been back from my trip to Germany for 2 weeks. It has been harder for me to reacclamate myself to life here than it was adjusting to the time change or the cultural differences I experienced during my 9 days there. I have been reflecting on my trip and am so very thankful for the opportunity I had to go. Some of my favorite things on my trip include reconnecting and spending time with the Foxes, conversations about life with Carol, meeting a young enlisted Air Force member who is going home to Alabama to give a kidney to his sick mom, playing basketball with Nathan, and hearing Carol speak at a MOPS event for Air Force wives.


Is it weird that what I loved most about my time there could have happened anywhere? It wasn't Germany itself, although it is a beautiful country with rich history. It was the relationships and the time spent together that meant the most to me. That is a powerful reminder to me that it's not where you are, but who you are with that matters most. I know it's cliche, but it's living truth.


As I am considering options for a new job or moving to a new place, this hit me hard. I don't want to run away from where I am and leave behind all the people I love. The feelings of being alone and desiring companionship that I feel now may only be augmented if I go somewhere new where I don't know anyone at all. I will still be with me wherever I go, chock-full of my insecurities, pride, fears, doubts, and desires. Life on base at Spangdahlem struck me as very isolated and dim. It was the dead of winter of course, so that's part of it. But the idea I had in my mind was much more glamorized than what it was in reality.


There's much to consider in looking for this change I am seeking. And as much as I feel like I want a change in environment, the change needs to be from the inside out. With expectatation (and some trembling) I am excitedly anticipating what's around the bend after this school year. Whether it be that I bloom where I'm planted or I am uprooted and find myself somewhere new, I know that God is with me wherever I go. And in that I am secure.

Have No Direction, But Will Travel

It's been 3 months and 2 days since I booked my flight to Germany. And I'm leaving tomorrow! I'm still not really convinced that I'm going. It doesn't seem real to me that I'm leaving my teaching responsibilities and flying to Europe in the middle of February. But, I hope that by tomorrow at this time when I'm going through security and getting to my gate that I can relax, take it all in, and just be.

People have been asking me, "What are you going to do when you're there?" and "What are you going to see?" I really don't know. I am going with no expectations other than I will get to sleep, eat, read, and see new things. And best of all, I get to be with sweet Carol who has the best laugh of anyone I know! She has been where I find myself now, and for me, knowing that someone has experienced the same disappointment and discontent is comforting. Her words to me are not empty or filled with pity. She is spirit-filled and so amazingly gracious and wise. I am excited just to be in her presence.

I am anxious to be still. I am ready for rest, exploration, and refreshment. I am praying that God will give me direction and show me His plans for me and also teach me to continue to trust him in the wait when I don't know where I'm headed. As my brother wrote to me in a note he gave me over the weekend, "Nothing is bigger or too great than our God. Bring your troubles to Him. He is the same in Germany as He is here." Although I feel directionless and disappointed with life right now, I know that God is with me wherever I am. My bags are packed and I'm ready to go!

Like a Wet Baby

Mark Twain once said, "The only one who likes change is a wet baby." Well...I must be that wet baby then because all I want right now is change. I don't mean to be unappreciate or a complainer. My life is pretty great and I know that I am beyond blessed. But there is this stirring and restlessness within me for more.

Part of my unrest is about my job. I don't know if I want to return to ICS in the fall, continue teaching, move somewhere new, or just change jobs within the DC area. I have been exploring different options and I applied for a job with International Justice Mission. To my disappointment I got the rejection letter via email from IJM this week. I knew it was a long shot, but I was really excited about the opportunity. Even still, I feel very led and passionate to explore more of the organization's outreach. As I reflected over the week about why God closed this door I didn't really come up with any answers. But since they didn't want me for this job, I realized I can volunteer with them (big light-bulb moment, I know). So I looked at their volunteer opportunities and put in my volunteer application for the Hands-On Justice Team that does administrative tasks about once a month for three hours on a Wednesday night. A step in the right direction. Change in my life that will hopefully impact someone else's for good.

Even in this trite example, I can see that perhaps God is guiding me in the direction of change but not necessarily how I thought it would be. I want a job with IJM, but maybe He wants me to volunteer my time with IJM. I wish I could snap my fingers and be where I want to be, but over and over (because I obviously don't get in the first few times) I am reminded that where I want to be may not be where God intends me to be and what I want to do may not be His best plan for me.

Through the tears and wailing, I am that wet baby crying out for change. God is not ignoring me, he is answering my cries in His time and in His way. I have to continue to trust and hold onto the promises I know to be true. Proclaiming God's love in the morning and His faithfulness at night (Psalm 92:2), I have made my desires known to Him and He will lead me. And my God will continue to love me even when I'm acting like a baby.

With an Open Hand

My four day weekend is coming to an end. It was only supposed to last three days with the holiday to commemorate Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. yesterday. But, thanks to a wintry mix that the metro DC area, and Northern VA in particular, can't handle very well...school was closed today. Believe me, I'm not complaining...I'm very thankful! But it's just seems ridiculous that less than a third of an inch of snow and ice can close school for the day. Anyway, it will be back to reality tomorrow (I think).

I tried to use my extra time this extended weekend well. I was able to spend quality time with friends and family, read and journal some, and also work on a job application. Part of this "change in the making" thing is that I'm exploring some options for a different job after this school year in a response to the discontent and stirring in my heart that I feel. I have submitted an application for one job already, and am working on a second now.

The job applications are challenging to me. Not so much in completing them, but in thinking about the prospects. As with anything new, there is an element of uncertainty and anxiety about putting yourself out there. As I write a cover letter or tweak my resume, I feel vulnerable. I am exposing myself and making it known that I desire something (a job in this case) that I may not get...I may not even get an interview. It's that way with so much in life...a new relationship, taking on a project or leadership role, training for a race, trying out for an athletic team, applying to college, auditioning for a solo, etc.. You make yourself vulnerable and open to failure or disappointment. Others know what you're trying for and what will they think if it doesn't happen? How will I feel if I fail or don't get what I want? But without taking the risk, there is no chance to experience something new and fulfilling.

This serves as a timely reminder to me to not hold too tightly to anything this world has to offer. Yes, I do have these aspirations and passions and want to chase after them. Yet just as quickly as something comes, it can also go. If I keep my hand open, I can welcome the new and take hold of it, but also let it passby if it's not right for me. If I do not cling to the things of this world, but rather hope and trust knowing that God already has the best planned for me, I will not be shaken even when I experience failure, heartbreak, or disappointment. So with an open hand I have peace knowing it's not really in my hands.